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die laatste is wel aardig.
"All good decisions have one thing in common...
...they are taken at the right moment."
komt een man bij de bakker..
vraagt ie: heeft u misschien vlees?
nee zegt de bakker wel een banaan
oh maakt niet uit zegt de beer
ik ben toch op de brommer
Ja, dat zijn de leukste moppen Skaffa
Ik zal ook maar is eentje bijdragen:
Vliegt een duif over een weiland waar een koe in staat.
Roept die duif: "roekoe"
roept de koe: "roe duif"
Komt een man bij de bakker...
Man: 1 wit gesneden alstublieft.
Bakker: Was je erbij?
Man: Haha, daar trap ik niet meer in.
dit soort moppen moet ik altijd van giechelen :s
One day Jayne walked into a bank to deposit a large sum of money she had won in the casino.
Jayne walked up to the cashier and handed over a cheque for $850,000. The cashier insisted on checking such a large a mount, and so a few minutes later the bank manager appeared to take a look. The bank manager, curious ad how Jayne came to have so much money, started to ask some questions.
"How did you get so much money?"
"Well", she replies, "I'm a bit of a gambler..."
"Really?!" the manager replied, and started to give Jayne a lecture about the evils of gambling.
"No really, it's fun!" insisted Jayne. "I bet you $10,000 that your balls are square!".
The manager was a bit shocked, but after thinking it though, thought that there was no way he could loose the bet. So they shook hands and went out in to the car park so Jayne could check his balls. Standing in the car park was a man wearing a gray suit.
"This is my attorney," said Jayne. "He's here to make sure everything is legal."
"OK" said the bank manager, so Jayne stepped up in front of him, unzipped his trousers and gave his balls a good feel.
"You're right, they're not square!"
The manager smiled and looked over to the lawyer, who at this point was banging his head on the car. Confused, the manager asked Jayne, "What's wrong with your lawyer?"
"Oh, I bet him $100,000 I would have your balls in my hands in five minutes."
whoestemen, jij hebt feakin' cartman als je avatar, dan...als je zijn humor kent dan moet je wel van die van Anna frank leuk vinden
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I
guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do
that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose
anything quicker an cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem
and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."
Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a
urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer,
he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer
started making some noise and various lights started flashing.
After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which
was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to
wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his
dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off,
he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug
store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited
the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out
the following message: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water
softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is
using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is
pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And
if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get
Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
1 van mijn lievelings grappen:
A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution,
bored out of their minds.
"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Lets have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
Silence took over... then everyone turned to the masochist and asked:
"So, what's it gonna be?"
To which she replies, "Meow."
Een slager is druk aan het werk in zijn winkel .
Hij merkt dat er een hond in de winkel zit en jaagt die weg.
Enkele minuten later zit de hond er weer .
Hij loopt naar de hond toe en ziet dat ze een briefje in zijn muil heeft.
Hierop staat: "1 kilo gehakt, 2 biefstukken, 1 kilo varkensvlees
De slager kijkt verder en ziet ook nog een briefje van vijftig euro in de muil zitten!.
Hij maakt de bestelling klaar en doet deze samen met het wisselgeld in een plastic zak en de hond neemt deze in zijn muil!
De slager is onder de indruk, omdat het sluitingstijd is besluit hij de hond te volgen.
De hond loopt een eindje over de stoep en komt bij een zebrapad.
Hij zet de plastic zak neer, springt tegen het paaltje omhoog,drukt op de knop,
pakt de zak weer in zijn muil en wacht geduldig totmhet licht op groen springt.
Zodra dat gebeurt, steekt hij over en de slager vlak achter hem.
De hond komt bij een bushalte en begint de dienst regeling te bestuderen.
De mond van de slager valt open van verbazing.
Na de dienstregeling te hebben bekeken gaat de hond op het bankje zitten.
De bus arriveert, de hond loopt naar de voorkant van de bus, kijktnaar het lijnnummer en gaat terug op het bankje zitten.
Een andere bus arriveert, opnieuw loopt de hond naar de voorkantvan de bus, ziet dat dit de juiste bus is en stapt in.
De slager weet niet hoe hij het heeft en volgt de hond de bus in.
De bus rijdt een tijdje door de stad, komt in de buitenwijken en de hond staat recht,
gaat op zijn achterpoten staan en drukt op de knop om de bus bij de volgende halte te laten stoppen.
De hond stap uit, de boodschappen in zijn muil en de slager steeds achter hem aan.
Ze lopen een weggetje af en de hond nadert een huis.
Hij loopt naar de voordeur en zet de boodschappen neer.
Dan loopt hij een paar meter terug, neemt een aanloop en gooit zichzelf tegen de voordeur.
Hij wacht even, loopt weer een paar meter terug,
neemt een aanloop en gooit zichzelf weer harder tegen de voordeur.
Er wordt niet open gedaan.
De hond loopt naar de voortuin,
klimt op de muur die daar omheen staat en loopt over de muur naar de zijkant van het huis.
Hij komt bij een raam en slaat er zijn kop diverse keren tegenaan.
Hij loopt terug over de muur, springt eraf,
loopt naar de voordeur, pakt de boodschappen in zijn bek en gaat zitten wachten.
De slager ziet dat een vent de deur opent en die dadelijk begint te vloeken en te schelden tegen die hond!
De slager loopt naar de voordeur en zegt tegen die vent:
"Waar ben jij mee bezig klootzak?
Deze hond is een genie.
Daar moet je mee naar de tv in plaats van te staan schelden!
"Waarop de vent antwoordt:
"Deze hond een genie?
Dit is al de tweede keer deze week dat hij zijn sleutels vergeet!"
Postcards from Honeymoon
A mother had 3 daughters. They were all getting married within a
short time period. Because mom was a bit worried about how their
sex lives would get started, she made them all promise to send a
postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the
wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe." Mom was puzzled at
first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Good till the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased
for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the
wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges." Mom now knew to
go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the
Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size." She was again
slightly embarrased but still happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom
waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by, and still
nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.
Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words: "British
Airways." Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine,
flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found
the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven
days a week, both ways." Mom fainted.
Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles
lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air.
She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he
said, as gently as he could,
"I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy."
"So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?"
asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, "Piddles'
legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be
easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg
and lift Piddles up to heaven."
Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well.
However, two days later when her father came home from work,
Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: "Mommy almost died this
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the
girl and shouted, "How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!"
"Well", mumbled Lucy, "soon after you left for work this morning
I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she
was shouting, "Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!" and if it
hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would
definitely have gone, Daddy".
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness,
or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and
utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function
and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"
Man: "A grand, sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2006 models, I saw one I really liked."
Man: "How much?"
Man: "Okay but for $90,000, I want it with all the options."
Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing... the house I wanted last year is back on the market - they're asking $950,000."
Man: 'Well, go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.
It is clearly a pretty good price."
Woman: "Okay I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
Man: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment,
mouths agape... He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
superrrr ha? nee =_=
A man takes a day off from work and decides to go out golfing.
He's on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron".
The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron."
He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong,
puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 Iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He's shocked!
He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing! You must be a lucky frog, eh?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think, frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 Wood," was the reply.
The guy takes out a 3 Wood and boom! A hole in one!
The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day,
the man has golfed the best game of golf in his life, and asks the frog,
"OK, where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says,
"OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette."
Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks,
"What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, Black 6."
Now, it's a million-to-one shot that this will win, but after the golf game,
the man figures, "What the heck?" Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel.
He sets the frog down and says, "Gee, Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures, "Why not?"
After all it did for him, the frog deserves it. In a flash,
the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.
"And that, Your Honor, is how that girl ended up in my room."
deze is ook wel leuk ^^
A young man called Peter invited his mother for dinner. During the course of the meal,
his mother couldn't help but notice how handsome Peter's flatmate was.
She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two,
and this only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening,
while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Peter
and his flatmate than met the eye. Reading his mum's thoughts, Peter volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Simon and I are just flatmates".
About a week later, Simon came to Peter saying,
"Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the frying pan, you don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll e-mail her just to be sure," said Peter,
so he sat down and wrote
I'm not saying that you "did" take the frying pan from my house,
I'm not saying that you "did not" take the frying pan,
but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Peter received an e-mail from his mother which read:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Simon,
and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Simon,
but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed,
he would have found the frying pan by now. Love mum x
Check my blog: http://my.pokernews.com/SjaccoPopino/blog/
11 opeenvolgende posts? sommige mensen doen alles voor die postcount
Waarschijnlijk hoefde hij alleen maar CTRL+C,CTRL+V en op Save te klikken
Wil jij vanavond je 1000ste post ofzo?
Geen topresultaat voor vanky dus vandaag en dat is direct reden om de televisietafel op te breken. - Verslag Nederlandse PokerNews League, donderdag 7 mei 2009
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